There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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