I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
