This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
