Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Did I show you my penis last night?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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