look no pants
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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