Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize