I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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