I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
