im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize