i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize