Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
