eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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