My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
