Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
