ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
so much tequila, so little girl.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
