all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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