Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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