I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i permit you to call me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Barsexuality is the new black.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
