My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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