Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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