loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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