there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Randomize
