The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
