Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
