I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I FOUND THE LEGS
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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