his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
