Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
