It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
