he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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