Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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