god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
