i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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