i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize