Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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