I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
