I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize