I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
