Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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