Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
