Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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