Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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