I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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