he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
