My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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