Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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