The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
