We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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