Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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