so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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