I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
