Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
