Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
