I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
