Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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