u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
