you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
