I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
