I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
