i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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